Disclaimer: Buffy the Vampire Slayer is not mine.
Takes place in season 7 after they rescue Xander from the date with the Demon Lady. He goes into the Gay Me Up speech and things take an unexpected turn.
“Willow, gay me up.” Eyes rolled, bewildered gazes were exchanged and not soul took Xander’s words seriously. “Come on, let’s gay.”
Willow just stared at her Xander-shaped friend for a moment. “Uh…Xander...”
“Come on Wills; help me get on the gay train.”
“Wouldn’t you just attract male demons?” Willow asked, looking thoughtful. “And I don’t think there’s actually a gay train.”
Buffy snickered. “Oh my god, I just had a flashback.” Several eyes turned to stare at the slayer. “Willow, remember when we were getting weapons together before the fight with Glory, and you guys had seen the Buffy Bot—” She trailed off hoping the revival of not so happy memories wouldn’t swamp them.
But Willow grinned and followed Buffy, the half forgotten and strange conversation coming to the front of her mind. “I remember, do you remember Xander?”
Xander blinked. “Remember what? That point in my life is just a big panicky blur, topped off with a serving of knee shaking terror.”
A somewhat evil expression crossed the golden girl’s face. “What were his exact words Willow?”
Willow giggled. “Something along the lines of ‘Spike is strong and mysterious and sort of compact but well muscled’...”
A very un-ladylike snort came from Anya. “I remember! Then Buffy accused Xander of having sex with Spike! Which he wasn’t because he was having sex with me...or is there something you’re not telling us?”
Xander’s brow furrowed as he thought deeply. “Huh...I did say that didn’t I...guess I took that first step into gayness a couple of years ago. What’s the next step?”
“Oh bloody hell.” Spike closed the distance and was at Xander’s side before anyone could register his intention. “Red likes birds now Harris, how do you expect her to help you?” With that he took Xander’s chin in his hand and kissed him.
“Oh, that was a mistake.” Anya rolled her eyes and looked on in sympathy at the doomed vampire.
Buffy was giggling so hard she could barely stand up, but she still managed to make questionable sounds. “Mis-take? What? Wh-why?”
Willow nodded at Anya knowingly. “I remember that too.”
“Huh?” Was the collective response from the onlookers.
“Watch.” Was the only clue they received from the witch and former demon.
All eyes refocused on Spike and Xander, who were still lip-locked. However what Spike had initiated, Xander had taken over and the vampire never stood a chance. A very un-Spike like sound came from the former big bad’s throat and soon the room was filled with…purring. It took everything William the Bloody had to pull away and let the boy breathe.
“Wh-what the Bloody Hell was that Harris?”
Xander didn’t answer but instead glanced over at Willow. “I think I’ll take the Male demons over the female any day of the week.”
Round blue eyes blinked in confusion as Spike gazed at Xander in confusion. “What?”
Anya leaned over and patted Spike on the shoulder, her demeanor oozing sympathy. “He did that thing with his tongue didn’t he?” Spike gave her wide eyes and a nod. “Xander’s tongue is one of the lost wonders of this dimension. If he tried he could take over the world with it.”
Willow smiled dreamily. “I remember the tongue thing.”
“His kiss is really that good?” Buffy looked thoughtfully at him and took a step toward Xander.
Spike saw this and made a strangled sound before reaffirming his grip on Xander and promptly dragging him down to the basement.
Silence reigned for a moment before Buffy sighed and turned a pout towards Willow. “What just happened?”
“I don’t think Spike wants to share Xander’s tongue.” Willow smiled before letting the giggles overtake her and she and Buffy collapsed in a heap on the floor.
“Or any other part of Xander.” Anya confirmed. “He really is a good lover.” Her eyes were wistful as she wandered away.
Giles removed his glasses and proceeded to polish them.
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