If Only Words Could Bleed


Help yourself don’t say a thing
Your love won't show in anything at all
If all you do is talk

Yeah right.

And although Xander had a reputation for talking too much, in this instance, the one in which it actually mattered, he couldn’t think of a word to say.

To Spike.

Xander couldn’t remember where he had discovered this band that he was now constantly and increasingly morosely listening to. He suspected a link from the web site from another band that Oz had recommended to him..

His favourite line from this song was You’re lucky words don’t bleed. And he was, he supposed, because, if they did, Spike would be right down there on the floor lapping them up, and that would be the closest Xander would ever get to anything that approximated getting attention from him, besides verbal abuse and criticism.

Help yourself don't think
Help yourself don't speak
Help yourself don't say a thing at all

Yep that was him. Mr zipped-up-lip with double locks on it. Not speaking. But gods for once he really had to. He had to say something. He couldn’t stand this any more.

Help yourself don't say a thing
What love you show won't mean a thing at all
If all you do is talk

Xander ripped his i-Phones off. This had to stop, and he didn’t want to hear the end part.

Sadly we remain to see
What brings an end is also what we need

He didn’t want to think about an end when there hadn’t even been a beginning, and probably wouldn’t ever be.

Unless maybe, just maybe if he did talk.

But gah it was futile. Spike couldn’t stand him. When Xander occasionally caught him looking at him that way – well Spike was just being critical wasn’t he? Wondering what Anya or anyone else for that matter could possibly have seen in him.

It as going to be the night tonight. The night when he said something did something, but that previous thought put an end to the bravado that he had been working up to all day.

“Harris,” Spike said abruptly.

Spike had come in evidently.

Xander put his headphones back on, but had the sense to change the song, but not the sense to change the album.

666 Conducer which he always transcribed as ‘sick sick sick seducer’ in his head, which was apt given his obsession with Spike. Not that Spike was doing any seducing, although rather a lot of conducing, and he was incredibly seductive even if wasn’t aiming it at Xander. Or at least not in a meaningful way.

“Oi I’m talking to you whelp,” Spike shouted, ripping Xander’s earphones out of his ears.

Normally Xander would have snarled, shouted or done something generally verbally aggressive, but this time he just sighed and for a brief fragment of time Spike actually looked a little perturbed. Xander smiled faintly for a split second, then sighed again. Spike was looking at him appraisingly, then sneered.

“What’s up with you, lost another job?”

Xander just shook his head. No point in speaking.

“Ok,” he could see Spike mentally regrouping after another very brief look of confusion flitting over his face. “So, wanker where’s my blood?”

“Same place as usual, fangless, in the fucking fridge.”

A moment later…

“Shit! You got me human? What’s going on here Harris?”

“The name’s Xander,” Xander replied bitterly.

“OK Xan-der, what’s going on?”

“Nothing, Spike. They had a sale on at the hospital, so I thought I’d stock up. Might even try it myself,” Xander said as sarcastically as he was able, given his current depressive state.

“Ha bloody ha. Now spill. What’s going on here?” Spike snarled.

“Spilling is not recommended,” Xander snalred back. “It wasn’t that cheap.

Spike seemed to soften a little.

“Xan, what’s wrong?”

He’d actually called him Xan. Xander hated the way that made him feel. And loved it.

“Nothing. Just enjoy your o-neg and quit bothering me.”

“Fine but this isn’t over, Harris.” Xander’s heart sank. It was back to ‘Harris’.

“This?,” he restored going on the defensive. “What’s this? The Spanish Inquisition?”

Spike’s face cracked into one of his rare genuine smiles. One which, in his dreams, Xander thought were just for at him. Sappy he knew, but a guy could have his dreams couldn’t he? Anyway, he knew what was coming next.

“No one expects the Spanish Inquisition. Our three...)

“Enough, already Spike.” Ok Xander liked Monty Python too, and heaps of other English stuff that Spike ‘forced’ him to watch, but there were only so many times he could listen to Spike doing the Spam song. The thought of it made him smile though it wasn’t exactly in keeping with the ‘Big Bad’ persona.

Spike slumped down on the sofa


“And for the record I am definitely not a Scooby and it’s over between me and Buffy.”

Oh regarding the second part of that sentence.

“Anyway, what’s that shit you were listening to?”

Spike’s insulting way of putting things snapped Xander back out of his hope tinted reverie that if Buffy were out of the picture he might have a chance with him.

“None of your business. And it wasn’t shit, I’ll have you know.”

Spike grabbed the iPod and rammed the earphones into his ears before Xander had time to stop him.

“Not bad pet. Not your usual though,” he said too loudly before Xander ripped the phones out of their socket.

Spike pouted and took the phones out of his ears.

“How would you know what my usual is Spike? Half the time the only music on the hi-fi system is your stuff. Why do you think I bought an iPod even on my crappy salary?”

Xander suddenly felt himself mentally slumping. Much as he liked the banter and sniping, sometimes he just couldn’t be bothered. So they sat in semi-comfortable silence for a while.

“So?” Spike said.

“Shut it Spike. I’m not in the mood.”

“Alright fine. Whatever.” Xander knew that Spike was bristling.

Then suddenly out of the blue “Do you want a fuck Harris?”

Xander almost choked on his beer.


“Well do you? Might get rid of some of the sexual tension that’s reeling off you, and you haven’t had any since the vengeance bitch from hell left you, so…”

Xander was momentarily lost for words. Of course he wanted to fu… have sex with Spike, but there was no way, absolutely no way he was going to admit it, and no way he was going to do it, especially not after the way Spike had put it to him.

“Only in the context of ‘fuck off Spike.’”

“Are you sure Harris ‘cause I can have sworn that you were turned on seconds after I came into the apartment. Could smell the pheromones reeling off you.” Spike smirked.

“So? It doesn’t mean that it was for you.” Xander was feeling seriously nervous now, but if in doubt deny and lie. It had served him well at high school and occasionally worked with his parents.

“But you don’t deny it then.”

“No,” Xander said quietly.

Amazingly, Spike seemed to back down.

For the time at least.

“I’m going to bed,” Xander muttered.

“Want me to come with you?” another leer.

Xander didn’t bother to reply.

The irony of the situation wasn’t lost on him – that what Spike was pretending to offer was exactly what Xander had been wanting for some months. But he was pretty sure that if he took him up on it, if he called his bluff, he’d be laughed at and possibly blackmailed for some time to come. So yet another miserable night masturbating, or trying to, but failing to, because he knew that Spike would know and possibly now knew who the object of his fantasies was.

He probably ought to say something – talk.

But the words of the song were still echoing in his head… ‘Save yourself don’t speak.

Well at least not to Spike, but maybe to someone else. But who?

Willow was gay, so she should be sympathetic about that part of it. But the vampire thing? And worse, the Spike thing? He wasn’t so sure she’d deal.

Clearly, not Buffy.

Giles? Maybe… But he’d probably break his glasses when Xander told him, although Xander had a sneaking suspicion that again the gay bit wouldn’t bother him.


No, no and no. There’d either be vengeance demon friends drafted in, or petulant demands for a threesome. So either way.


Oz… now there was a possibility. He was back in town, and he and Devon seemed to be having a thing going on, so gay thing: check. Oz wasn’t entirely human so maybe fancying someone with a demon in him ok: check?

Spike? Hmm. But maybe it was worth a risk. Oz was a liberal laid back guy – in fact if he was any more laid back he’d be lying down. So just maybe he should delay the killing himself option until he’d talked to Oz. Options could always be kept open after all.



“Hello. Red?”

“Spike?” Willow squeaked. “Is something wrong with Xander? What have you done to him?”

“Nothing. That’s the problem. Just need some advice,” Spike muttered.

“What? I can’t hear you.”

“Ok I need some advice,” Spike almost shouted. “Can we meet somewhere?”

“I.. I’m not sure, Spike. What sort of advice. Can’t we do this on the phone?” Willow replied nervously. It wasn’t like she was really scared of Spike. After all he was chipped… although he had been known to attack humans even though he knew it would result in agony.

“No. Please Red. You can bring Glinda with you as chaperone and mojo back up. It’s about Xander. And no I haven’t hurt him.”

Silence on the end of the phone.

Indecision almost audible.

Then “Oh ok. When and where and I am bringing a stake as well as Tara so don’t you try anything mister.”

“Fine. Whatever. Wine bar opposite the Bronze (this conversation was going to have to involve alcohol) about 8pm?”

“Ok, We we’ll be there,” Willow replied cautiously.

Either Willow was picking up Glinda’s nervy habits or she was very nervous. For once, he didn’t want to make her nervous.

Spike got there first. He needed a bit of Dutch courage in the form of a double measure of JD, then when the girls got there, offered to buy them drinks, which seemed to make Willow even more nervous. Tara seemed surprisingly not nervous. In fact, she had a slightly annoying smile on her face that suggested she knew something. The witch couldn’t read minds could she? He wouldn’t put it past her. Still waters ran deep with that one.

“OK what’s this about Spike?” Willow launched right in after taking a tiny and slightly guilty looking sip of her mojito and altogether failing to look or sound confident. Daft bint.

“Does Xander like me?” Spike asked. No point in beating about the bush. Tara snorted into her drink.

“What? I…” Willow was about to come out with some disparaging remark, but when Tara, who clearly was telepathic poked her, she paused for a moment.

“Well he lets you live in his apartment, and you do the watching movies thing… and oh sometimes you go out together… I mean not going out out, just I mean beers and pool and…” The Willow babble petered out.

“Yeah I know that pet, but does he like like me?”

Willow’s mouth dropped open.

“Yes,” Tara cut in before more frantic babble started. “Of course he does. Isn’t that obvious?”

“Well no,” Spike and Willow said simultaneously.

“Well I thought he did,” Spike muttered, “but when I asked him if he wanted to fuck, he just stomped off to bed.”

Tara tried to stiffle a giggle and Willow looked horrified.

“When you what?” Willow gasped.

“Yeah he went all huffy.”

Willow swallowed. This was so not what she had been expecting the subject matter of this meeting to be. She was speechless for once.

“M… maybe your approach was a bit too direct, Spike,” Tara filled in for Willow although not exactly in the way that Willow would have liked her to. “Xander’s a romantic at heart.” Willow threw Tara an evil look which Tara ignored.

“Wot, you think he wants chocolates and flowers and all that cr- er stuff?” Spike asked

“No that would just be weird, although I suppose the chocolate might work… Just b..be a bit more subtle. I bet you did that smirky thing and raised your eyebrow at him didn’t you?” Tara was clearly on a roll here that Willow really didn’t want to tumble along with. “Ok the eyebrow thing is sexy maybe…”

Willow gasped. “Tara!”

“…but maybe a bit threatening,” she continued unabashed.

“Well it’s what I do,” Spike smirked. “Usually works a treat on bints.”

“Xander’s not a ‘bint’.”


“And you are intelligent enough to know that sometimes you need to change your tactics to suit the s..situation.”

Definitelyy still waters and all that here, Spike thought.

“He likes you a lot, but he doesn’t trust you. Go slow, lose some of the attitude and I would suggest you didn’t use the F word until things are a bit more established between you too,” Tara continued ignoring her girlfriend’s weird expression that somehow combined horror, disapproval and shock.

“Right. OK.” Spike actually looked slightly sheepish. “Thanks Glinda. Always knew you were a good bint. Although I suppose the smirk eyebrow thing wouldn’t work on you given that you're a lesbian, although you did say it looked sexy…”

“I can appreciate something without desiring it, Spike,” Tara interjected with something approaching a smirk on her face.

“Yeah well like I said thanks er ladies. Gotta go.”


“What the hell did you just do?” Willow hissed after Spike had gone. Tara looked mildly amused. It wasn’t like Willow to swear.

“Hopefully put an end to the dance they’ve been dancing around each other for the last few months. Their auras were giving me headaches whenever we were all in the same room.”

“But SPIKE and XANDER? Xander’s not even gay!” Willow said far too loudly.

Tara just gave Willow a duh look.

“Ok,” Willow said calming down a little. “Being a Lesbian clearly doesn’t guarantee good gaydar, assuming you are right.”

“Trust me Willow, I’m a witch.”

At least that made Willow smile a little.

“Look, I really don’t think Spike will hurt Xander or make him do anything he doesn’t want to do. It’ll be fine.”

“Well, he can’t physically at least can he? He’s chipped,” Willow replied.

Tara smirked again. “Sure honey. So don’t worry.”


So, Oz,” Xander slurred after a puff on the joint he was sharing with Oz and Devon. “So do you think I should have said yes to Spike?”

“Did you want to?”

“God yes, but he was probably taking the piss, as he’d put it.”

“I don’t know the guy…” Devon said.

“Vampire,” Xander interrupted.

“Whatever. Not prejudiced, but maybe even if he was ‘taking the piss’ sounds like you need to get your end away. So why not?” Devon continued.

“Er roomy. Vampire etc. Sarcastic snarky devious vampire.”

“But a chipped one,” Oz interjected.

“Ok so you don’t trust him,” Devon slurred. “Sounds like you don’t even really like him, even though you want to fuck him.” Xander opened his mouth to protest, but Devon shook his finger at him and continued “You’ve obviously got a serious case of sexual frustration going on man. Which maybe me and Oz can help you with.”

Oz nodded in agreement and shifted a bit closer to Xander placing his hand on his thigh.

“You can… oh.” Xander knew he could be a bit slow on the uptake sometimes, but he really hadn’t seen this one coming. Still, his weed addled brain thought, two offers of gay sex in the same day. Not bad going Xan-man.

He was actually tempted for a moment, but he was pretty sure he’d regret it for at least a week, if not longer, if he went along with their suggestion.

“Thanks for the offer guys, but maybe not this time.”

“Does that imply maybe another time?” Oz asked hopefully.

“Yeah maybe.” Xander was proud of himself for how laid back his answer had been, but then he was stoned.

He stumbled to his feet and called for a taxi. There was no way he was going to walk the streets of Sunnydale after dark in his current state. Although there would, of course, be no guarantee that the cab driver wasn’t some blood sucking demon or other nasty.

As Xander went to leave, he felt a hand on his shoulder. Devon pulled him round and snogged him for long enough to leave Xander gasping for air, and feeling as hard as hell. Oz gave him a second before he launched his own attack on Xander’s mouth stroking Xander’s erection with his hand. He pulled away and looked at Xander quizzically.

“Er thanks guys for the evening and the advice and er…” the weed was wearing off. “We should do this again soon.”

“Yeah, Xan, we’d like that.”

As he stumbled out of the door, Devon and Oz smiled at each other and kissed passionately.

“D’you think he’d go for it?” Oz asked muzzily.

“It’s just a matter of time,” Devon laughed, as he pulled Oz into their bedroom, removed his clothes and started to suck his cock.


Xander kept going over the evening while he sat in the cab. Had he been right to turn them down, given that they obviously turned him on? But to go from realization that he was gay and wanted to have sex with Spike to losing his gayness virginity in a threesome seemed a bit extreme and slightly intimidating.

So instead he finally stumbled into his apartment, still a little high, but anus intacto so to speak.

Oh god, Spike did not sound happy, friendly or anything else ending in y apart from perhaps angry.

Spike could smell the two men on Xander immediately, but just the scent of their skin, and of course the marajuna. Nothing else. Wolfboy and someone else he didn’t recognize. Still made him feel angry and aggressive though. He growled at the thought of someone else touching his boy, and he almost went into gameface but when he saw the look of fear on Xander’s face he managed to calm himself down a little, although he suspected his eyes might still be yellow.

Xander had backed himself up against the wall. Bugger it – Spike was not doing well on the subtle front here.

“’t’s alright pet. You just startled me, that’s all. You know I can’t hurt you anyway. Not with this bloody sodding chip.” Ok not quite the whole truth but hey he was the Big Bad. He’d do whatever he had to, to get what he wanted. And he seriously wanted this one.

“You been out having fun, Xander?”

“I… I was just hanging out with the guys. You know guy thing. Get too much girl thing most of the time so…” Xander tailed off.

“Yeah, I’ll bet. Can smell ‘em all over you pet.”

“Oh.” As in Oh god.


“I I do.”

“You do what pet,” Spike was slightly amused, although his prevailing mood was anger and insane jealousy.


“I do want to fuck.”

“Well I can see that,” Spike replied. Xander was half hard again. “So why didn’t you with wolfboy and his ‘friend’?”

“Because I want to fuck you… or or you fuck me or maybe both. Yeah both would be good.”

“Shh pet. We can do both. But only when you're sober. I don’t want you getting morning after hysterics and staking me.”

“I would never never never do that, Spike,” Xander replied solemnly.

“Well that may be, but the slayer would. Anyway you don’t want your first time to be when you're high do you?”

Xander wasn’t so sure that the answer to that was ‘no’.


He lurched toward his bedroom and stumbled. Spike caught him. Xander liked that – the feel of Spike’s strong arms around his waist.

 Spike liked it too.

Spike guided him into his bedroom, stripped him down to his boxers, and lay his comforter on top of him. Before he left the almost comatose human, he whispered into his ear “It’s not going to be fucking Xander when it happens. It will be making love.”

He knew that must sound really cheesy, but it elicited a little moan from Xander so if it worked, it worked. Tomorrow was going to be interesting. At least the boy wouldn’t be hungover. There was no tint of alcohol underlining the stench of pot.

The End

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