This is my Holiday gift for electricalgwen, who, today, is my hero for reading and commenting on eight thousand words of basement hijinks less than forty-eight hours after I sent them to her! She's a fantastic beta, one of the best authors around, and generally, a wonderful person to know! She's also pretty much the reason I'm hanging out here, writing this stuff - I never would have gotten off the ground without her!

Pairing: Spike/Xander, just barely
Rating: PG (language)
Disclaimer: Not mine

Warnings: Canon? What canon? There's silliness ahead! Also, this is parody, folks. Though I do happen to be on good terms with a certain statue at the good doctor's memorial, and he didn't comment when I asked him about it, so I figure it's okay. Read the wonderful original here.

Many, many thanks to cordelianne and madame_meretrix  for beta reading so quickly! It's much appreciated!

How the Vamp Stole Christmas

by
apreludetoanend

All the Scoobies
In Scoob-ville
Liked Christmas a lot…

But the vamp,
Who lived underneath Scoob-ville,
Did NOT!

He hated the winter!
The whole bloody season!
He’s a vamp for Christ’s sake, that’s enough of a reason!
And Christmas, the worst of the cold winter days,
While the humans rejoiced in the merriest ways,
He loathed it, reviled it, and they all knew why…
His soul wasn’t there. He was soulless inside!

He sat down in his crypt,
With his underground view,
He sat there on Christmas Eve, hating the Scoobs!
He knew just where they were, at the shop in the town,
Spending time all together, with cheer spreading round,
And he cursed them, his face twisting into a scowl,
The whole bloody lot of them, wankers most foul!

“They’re all wrapping their presents!” he roared in a rage.
“Preparing for Christmas! They’re setting the stage!”
Then he vamped and he growled with a swig of Type O,
“I won’t let their Christmas get started tomorrow!”
For, the next day, he knew…

…All the Scoobs, left and right
Would celebrate Christmas, then head for a fight!
The staking, the slaying, that girl’s sense of right!
Her self-righteous bitching, she’s RIGHT! RIGHT! RIGHT! RIGHT!

Then the Scoobs, young and old, would sit down to research.
And they’d search and research!
They’d RESEARCH! SEARCH! SEARCH! SEARCH!
They would start on the facts from their unctuous perch,
Together, with none of them left in the lurch.

And THEN,
They’d do something he just couldn’t stand.
Every Scooby in Scoob-ville, the blonde and the bland,
Would sit down together, with research for scanning.
They’d talk it all out. And the Scoobs would start planning!

They’d plan! And they’d plan!
And they’d PLAN! PLAN! PLAN! PLAN!
And the more the vamp thought of the Scoobs’ Christmas plans,
The more the vamp thought, “They must die at my hands!
Why, for too bloody long I’ve put up with this rot!
I can’t allow them to have this! Can NOT!”

Then he found a solution!
A perfect solution!
THE VAMP
FOUND A PERFECTLY EVIL SOLUTION!

“I know just how I’ll do it!” He spat through his fangs,
“The same way I’ve taken out hundreds of gangs!”
So he called his friend Clem, who was loathe to make trouble,
And he told him to get to the crypt on the double!

“I’ll just split them apart first…”
He paced in his crypt,
“I’ll split them apart while disguised as St. Nick!”
And then, “No!” he thought, “I’ll send Clem in instead!”
He’s jolly and fat and he looks good in red!
He’ll unlock the doors, then the Scoobs will be dead!”

Then,
He loaded his coat with a knife and an axe,
And he opened the door for old Clem and relaxed.

He said, “This is it! This is brilliant, old friend!”
Tonight is the night! Tonight is the end!”

The vamp and his friend headed into the town,
But the small gang of Scoobies was nowhere around!
The whole bloody lot was nowhere to be found!
“I know where to look next,” the vampire said.
“Please say back at home,” begged poor Clem, filled with dread

“We’ll go to their hangouts, every last one!
We’ll look till we find them, we’ll get the job done!”
“Maybe we shouldn’t,” Clem said in despair,
“We can’t just keep looking all every which where!”
“We’ll do it! We’ll find them! We’ll get them tonight!”
The vamp was determined to finish the fight!

They looked and they looked just like old Sherlock Holmes
And then the vamp said, “We should look in their homes!”
And that’s what they did, starting right at the top,
At the house on Revello, they came to a stop.
“Now you go inside,” the vamp said with a grin,
“Straight down the chimney, and then let me in!”

And Clem, he said “No!” Then he said, “I won’t fit!”
The vamp said, “Then I’ll stuff you down there, you git!”
And he hoisted Clem up, got him up on the roof,
And he shoved him on down, the overstuffed poof.

Then he yelled down the chimney, “Clem, I want it all!”
“Send it all up here, the large and the small!”

“I want all the weapons, the presents and food,
Each decoration, the tree, hell, the mood!
Then you’ll let me in, I’ll come right through the door
And I’ll finally, finally even the score!”

“Uh, I can’t just right now,” Clem yelled up the flue,
“I’m hiding in here from the littlest Scoob!”
“Just kill her and eat her,” The vampire howled,
“Then get me the loot and let me in now!”

“Okay, now she’s gone. She went back to bed.
I’ll throw this stuff up,” the Santy Clem said.
He threw up the crosses, he threw up the knives,
He shoved up the crossbows and five mincemeat pies!
He hoisted the tree and he shoved that in too,
He shoved all the stockings right up through the flue.

He took all the tinsel and felt really bad,
But the vamp on the roof, he was GLAD! GLAD! GLAD! GLAD!
He gathered his bounty and shouted a shout:
“Now, come on Clem let me in and get out!”

And Clem, he came walking right out the front door.
The vamp ran full speed and bounced back with a roar,
And Clem just said, “Barrier. Vampire lore.”

And the vampire fumed
At the rule he’d forgot,
And he sighed, “Let’s just rob all the rest of their lot.”

Then they did the same thing
To the other Scoobs’ houses,
Stealing weapons and trees and Miss Kitty’s mouses!

It was quarter to dawn
When they finished the job,
Shoved the last crossbow up,
Snatched the last twenty bob,
And they carried their bounty away to the crypt,
That swaggering vampire and demon St. Nick.

They threw it all in, in a big messy pile,
Every present and cookie and blessed water vial.
“I’ve ruined their Christmas” the vampire was sighing,
“And if they’re not dead, at least they’ll be crying!
They’ll all wake up soon and they’ll search for their trees,
Their mouths will hang open, they’ll fall to their knees,
Every Scooby in Scoob-ville will be so displeased!”

“That’s a thing,” smirked the Vamp,
“That I wish I could see!”
But instead, he attacked all the presents with glee,
He grabbed the top one and he looked at the tag,
“To Fangless from Xander,” read the box that he’d snagged!

Why, the gift was for him!
Harris got him a present!
How could it be so?
A real present? How pleasant!

He stared at the paper
With vamped yellow eyes
And he shook,
As he opened his shocking surprise.

He ripped off the paper, the ribbons and bows,
And feeling a tingle right down to his toes,
He opened his present from Xander—that boy!
That boy who did nothing but irk and annoy!

And the vamp with his vamp eyes looked into the box,
And he found twenty pairs of vampire socks!
He wondered and puzzled, “How could it be so?
How could that daft little human boy know?”
See, vampire feet don’t do well in the cold
And all of Spike’s socks had got holey and old!
Then the vamp realized what he’d dreamed of was true!
“They didn’t forget me! They like me! They do!”

And what happened next?
Well, in Scoob-ville, they say,
That the vamp got his soul
Reinserted that day!
And the minute he felt it alight in his breast
—And to this, dear old Clem will most gladly attest—
He brought it all back, every last little thing!
And he…

HE, HIMSELF…
The vamp led the group sing!

Author's Note: In case you missed the warning up top, this is a parody of Dr. Seuss' How The Grinch Stole Christmas. I've lifted the rhyme scheme and the general storyline, though I'm sure most readers will be able to spot the differences

The End

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