This was written for [info]nashmaveric’s Cole Porter Ficathon. While I didn’t use the song in the fic it was definitely used for inspiration. I wrote it for [info]kate_fire. Here’s her info.
Preferred rating and genre (ie NC-17, H/C, schmoop, angst, etc): fluff
or H/C, usually NC-17
Preferred pairing: Spike/Xander
Second pairing choice (just in case your first one can't be done):
Xander/Wes, Wes/Anybody, some Spike/Angel

You got Spike and Xander luv, hope you like! Lyrics are at the end of the story.
Many thanks to the great and wonderful [info]kitty_poker1. If it wasn’t for her…well this would suck.

Too Darn Hot


“Thought you wanted to go out on the town tonight, pet, see the sights, go to a few bars.”

Xander tried to raise one hand to dismiss his lover but it just flopped back on the bed. “I’m not going back out there and you can make me! It’s too hot! And sticky! I thought I’d melted into the back of the taxi coming to the hotel and you’d have to cut me off the upholstery. As it is I’m sure I left a layer of skin back there. Hotel good, hotel nice. Hotel has air conditioning.”

“Xan, luv…you’re exaggerating. Not that bad out there, and it’ll get cooler the longer the sun’s down.”

“Easy for you to say, Mr. I-Burned-Alive-to-Save-the-World; you don’t have sweat glands. And you got to stay in the comfy motel room while I had to go looking for a slayer. And why is it so muggy here anyway? I feel like I’ve been in a sauna for too damn long. Why did I think it was a good idea to come back to the States anyhow?”

A cool hand pushed his damp hair off his forehead. “Hmmph. Something about wanting hot dogs and apple pie, as if you couldn’t have gotten a decent apple turnover and some kielbasas in Europe. Figure you just got homesick.”

Xander sighed and nuzzled into Spike’s hand. “I think you’re right, Spike. I’m sorry, next year we’ll make Giles send me to Germany. We can do Octoberfest. All the stout, ale and lagers you can drink.”

“Sounds wonderful, pet. As for now, though, we’re in Miami and there’s beaches to visit, girls with dental floss for bikinis to leer at and alcohol to be drunk. Get some kip and I’ll run you a cool bath.”

Xander mumbled his thanks and enjoyed the feeling of cool, clean sheets and the cool air. He could barely hear Spike talking to himself as the water started running.

If anyone had told him a year ago that when he unwillingly took in Spike as a roommate for a second time they would have ended up as good friends before the final battle he would have laughed his ass off. And to fall in love with the stupid vampire while he was still a ghost? He would have passed out due to lack of oxygen.

Now here he was, in a hotel room with William the Bloody calling him “luv” and “pet” and meaning it. The man who could kill someone more ways than Xander had eaten candy bars was running him a bath and worrying over him.

It was insane. A good kind of insane but insane nonetheless.

Sometimes Xander wondered if he got brain damage or something when that bastard Caleb put his eye out. That was when it all really started to change for him. Maybe he had just finally grown up. Xander never was quite sure. All he knew was that the only person who didn’t look at him with pity in their eyes was Spike. Oh, there was some guilt, for sure; the vampire was pissed that he hadn’t been faster but Xander never blamed him.

He hated the idea of Spike using that damn amulet. It was Deadboy’s duty, he was the one who was all angst ridden. Hell, he was the one that found the damn thing. He had wondered why he didn’t. It was only after Sunnydale was gone and Anya was dead and Spike was dead that he found out that Buffy…had sent him away. Sent him to safety and let Spike take the fall.

Now he could admit that even then he had a bit of a…crush on the man who had saved his other eye. Then he’d just been angry and confused and grieving for both Anya and Spike.

The group started breaking up then. Oh, not in a bad way, but Faith and Wood went to Cleveland to take control of that Hellmouth and Willow and Kennedy went to commune with nature south of the boarder. Buffy took Dawn on a sisterly bonding trip and Giles was left being the Head Watcher Guy and had asked Xander to help him. He stayed because it wasn’t that often someone really wanted his help. Buffy’s or Willow’s, sure, but not the normal guy.

Besides, it was something to do.

At first he had wanted to just…go. He’d been trying to convince Giles to send him to Africa or Australia. Get as far away from Sunnydale and his old life as he could. Buffy and Willow had both left him behind for new lives. Oh sure, they could email and call each other, but it wasn’t the same.

He’d been in Giles’ office waiting for him, and five different people had come in with “emergencies” that they said only Giles could handle. He’d seen their kind before, when he was a foreman. They only wanted to make sure the new boss noticed how good a worker they were. Brownnosers.

It didn’t help that Giles’s secretary was both a snob and an idiot. She spent so much time looking down her nose at people, himself included, that she didn’t do her job.

Luckily, thanks to Cordy he’d learned how to ignore people with snotty attitudes. Out of boredom and sympathy for Giles he got rid of the people that were just showing off and went through the high stack of mail on his desk, sorting everything in order of importance.

By the end of the hour's wait for Giles he’d organized the rest of the man’s week and had even rearranged his schedule because Giles forgot he needed to sleep at some point. And instead of heading for the Outback or Kenya, he was Giles’s temporary personal assistant.

He hired a new secretary first thing. She wasn’t as pretty or as young but Mrs. Emerson not only was a former secretary for some stuffy man at the British Museum, she didn’t bat an eye if someone showed up for an appointment with an axe or demon guts on their shoes.

She also mothered everyone, Giles included. There was no stopping her, but that was a point in her favor in Xander’s mind. After a few months Giles wouldn’t have the backlog of work and need an assistant and Mrs. Emerson would make sure he ate properly and went home one or two days of the week.

At the beginning, though, there was an amazing amount of work to be done. Forget finding activated slayers, they needed watchers and researchers and support personnel. There were literally bags of mail. Some of it had been salvaged from the old Council building but a lot of it came from people trying to get information on survivors or offering their help.

The third day of sorting, Xander came across an envelope. It was addressed to him care of the Watcher’s Council but that was on a label that had been put over another. He peeled it off and looked. Angel, c/o Wolfram & Hart.

It had already gone through all sort of magic detectors and the like but there was just something…odd about the weight of it. He waited until Giles was available and opened it in his office.

To say that both men were shocked to have an incorporeal Spike standing in the middle of Giles’s desk was an understatement.

“Xander? Bath’s ready, luv.” Spike’s voice broke into his half dream, half memory and he smiled.

“Mmmm, thanks, Spike.” A cool hand helped him up and guided him as he stumbled to the bathroom. They were staying at the Marriott Biscayne Bay Hotel and it was seriously nice. The night before when they checked in they had left the unpacking until the morning and got rid of the kinks that flying in an airplane caused in the hot tub.

But a day of traipsing around some of the odder areas of Miami, South Beach, Little Havana and Bay Heights had left him feeling overheated and slightly sunburnt. And wasn’t it weird that he could actually use the word traipsing?

Spike helped him slip out of his grimy, sweaty clothes and Xander started to tremble. He’d been so overheated but now that he was cooling down he had the shivers.

Luckily Spike knew just the right water temperature to run the bath at and he sank into the water gratefully. Spike was letting him lean against his chest and he did feel better.

Spike always seemed to know what to do, to make the tension headache go away, or to make him feel better about being left behind. It was like a sixth sense, and Xander knew he’d used it for both Buffy and Drusilla. But that didn’t matter now, because Spike was his.

“So good, Spike. You take such good care of me. Love your body.”

Spike chuckled and the noise seemed to echo in the roomy bathroom. It made Xander want to stretch and rub Spike in all the right places but soapy hands held him still. “I rather like your body too, pet. S’nice.”

“I was just thinking how glad I was when Giles and Willow figured out how to get your body back.”

“Now that was a good weekend, wasn’t it, luv? Don’t think either one of us walked straight for a week.”

Spike’s voice had a self-satisfied tone to it and Xander just had to laugh. It had been rather…intense. And mind blowing, and a whole lot of other things that Xander had never thought about before.

Still, he was glad that Spike in ghost form had been bound to the Watcher’s Council buildings, and that Giles made him Spike’s unofficial ghost sitter. Otherwise they might not ever have just talked without the snarking. The friendship that had started in Sunnydale just got better.

Spike’s relationship with Dawn and Willow was good too. Xander would dial the numbers and put Spike on speakerphone so he could talk to either woman. Giles still had problems with Spike, but not enough to try to kill him again and hadn’t Xander been pissed about that little episode.

“Xander…do you ever wish it had been Anya that did the genie out of the bottle routine instead of me?”

The question shocked him, and he couldn’t even speak for a moment. “Spike…I’ve never even thought of it. It might have been nice to have her back as a friend, but no, I wouldn’t give you up for anything. What about you, wish it was Buffy’s back you were scrubbing instead of mine?”

“Fuck no!! She’s gotten it into her head that she’s all…normal and living the high life. Probably wouldn’t have even noticed her as more than a meal if she hadn’t been the Slayer. Besides, we said our goodbyes a long time ago, pet. Nothing there for us anymore, we both know that.”

“Good. I like that you’re mine now.” Spike made a noise in the back of his throat, half happy, half protesting and he had to smile. It was true, though, Spike and Buffy had only talked once or twice since Spike popped out of the amulet. Hell, he’d only talked to her four or five times. There was only so much talk of shoes and fashion shows and stuff like that he could take before he had to go out and kill things and maybe act like he could work on his car just to be manly.

He had a sneaking suspicion The Immortal swung both ways, both from Spike’s ranting and raving and the fact that no straight man could go to all those things and not be just a bit gay.

Then again, apparently he was gay now and the thought of going shopping still made him want to watch a Home Improvement marathon on TBS just so he could grunt.

“So, I’m feeling better, thanks to you, of course. Where are we going tonight?”

“First we’ll start out at the Cactus Bar and Grill. Sound’s poofy, I know, but it’s supposed to have good burgers and BBQ, dancing and lots of drinks. We get tired of that then we can go to a place called O’Zone, supposed to have a lot of “hot Latin men” there.”

Xander laughed and made to get out of the tub. “Do I even want to know where you got that information from?”

“Where else, luv? The Internet. to be precise. Might have signed ol’ Rupert up for a few newsletters while I was there.”


“What? He needs a hobby, pet. He'd be less uptight if he was getting his end away. We should try to look up that Chaos bloke for him.”

“That’s…kinda disturbing.” Xander picked up a towel and started to dry Spike off. Sometimes they could do this sort of thing for hours -- bath, dry each other off, grab a few good feels, tumble into bed, get all sweaty and in need of a bath again.

Today, though, he wanted to go out, with Spike. He’d gone pub hopping a few times but his tolerance of alcohol wasn’t that great. The good thing was that even with one eye he was damned good at darts, so much so that he’d gotten into a pub clearing fight for hustling.

He laughed as Spike threw a towel around his waist and started to dry his ass off. Instead of arousing, his lover was being silly. When they were both dry Spike slapped him on the butt.

“Go shave, pet, and put in one of your pretty little eyeballs and I’ll lay out your clothes. Don’t trust you not to try to wear something touristy.”

Xander laughed and went to shave. He was finally getting used to really looking at himself in the mirror again. He had wanted just to use an eye patch at first but had gotten so many odd looks and people who actually had the balls to ask if he was missing an eye he had finally given in and got a prosthetic.

Problem was, while it was made to look like his real eye it just…sat there. And kinda looked dead. He had hated it. That was while Spike was still incorporeal and he’d gotten drunk one night and evidently babbled all about it. He was never quite sure what he'd said; he couldn’t remember and still, to this day, Spike refused to say.

Whatever it was must have been weird because the next time Spike went to talk to Dawn and Willow over the phone he’d been kicked out of his own office. And a few weeks later a package containing a new prosthetic eye had arrived. One that had been custom made.

It had a smiley face on it and said “Have a Nice Day”.

He’d about pissed himself laughing and had used it that very day. In the Council building he’d gotten strange looks and people giggled at him but it was a hell of a lot better than being looked at with sympathy or pity. Giles had about spewed tea out of his nose and Mrs. Emerson had said that it complemented his personality.

Since then it seemed that Spike had him signed up for the Eyeball of the Month Club. He had one that was an eight ball, one that looked like a cat's eye made with a gemstone and one with a little green alien smiley face.

He was really looking forward to his next package.

He finally finished shaving and brushed his teeth before putting in the “Kitty eyeball”. He’d made the mistake of telling Spike about the time Dru nabbed him on Valentine’s Day and now every time he wore the damn thing Spike called him Kitten.

It would have been annoying except for the fact that the tone of Spike’s voice when he said it went straight to his cock.

Okay, so he had a few kinks. Xander laughed to himself as he went to find Spike. Hopefully whatever his lover had picked for him to wear wouldn’t get him arrested.


Xander found his head spinning and he felt like he was burning up. This time it wasn’t the heat from an abnormally hot October that was making him sweat, though. No, it was Spike, and Spike’s lips and Spike’s tongue and how all three things were working to kiss him until he melted into a big Xander-puddle on the floor.

They’d had the good BBQ and the Cactus Bar and Grill was a relaxed enough place so that no one noticed when Spike took Xander’s hand and licked the sauce off his fingers right at the table.

At first they’d started with their usual, a beer for Xander a Jack Daniels for Spike. By the time they made it to the O’Zone, though, Xander was trying drinks like Carbombs with Guinness and whisky and Bailey’s Irish Cream. Spike had a couple of shots of something called Three Wise Men with JD, Johnnie Walker and Jim Beam before moving onto tequila. Only instead of licking the salt off his own hand he was back to licking Xander’s.

In between rounds of drinks they danced, and the more alcohol there was the more fluid they became. Finally Xander switched to just plain coke because he only wanted to be intoxicated by Spike.

And that was happening. Right now Spike was shoving his tongue down Xander’s throat and had one hand down the front of his pants. He’d wondered why Spike had chosen his khaki pants and a black shirt but it must have been because he’d been planning to molest Xander against the back wall of the club.

Not that Xander minded in the least. He had both hands full of Spike’s ass and was squeezing them for all he was worth. Spike was moaning into his mouth and the feel of it was just so damned good. Xander thrust forward, trying to gain some friction against Spike’s hand. He finally broke the kiss to pant.

“Poor boy, need to breathe, do you, pet.?” Spike sounded way too smug. Xander went on the attack, pulling Spike even closer to him and grinding, Spike’s hand trapped in between them.

“Fuck, Spike!! So good…I’m burning inside. Need you.” He breathed into Spike’s ear before leaning forward and taking a fold of skin on Spike’s neck in his teeth and just…biting, ever so slightly. Not enough to draw blood but enough to make Spike lose his human face for a moment.

The next thing Xander knew he was being dragged through the club, one hand clutching at his still open pants to keep them from falling. He didn’t even notice the people they were nearly knocking over on the way to the bathroom; he just noticed Spike and Spike’s ass and Spike’s strong legs.

Either the bathroom was empty or Spike had scared everyone out of it, Xander wasn’t sure. All he knew was that he was hot, burning up and hard as hell and Spike was there, stripping off his jeans and grabbing a tube of lube out of one of the pockets. They kissed even as Spike was using one of his talented hands to grease Xander’s cock.

Finally they broke apart and Spike literally led Xander by the dick to one of stalls. “Gotta have you, Xan. Fuck! You’re so hot, gotta have that heat in me, want to feel you.”

Xander tried to talk but it only came out as a groan and Spike leaned against the wall of the bigger stall, his ass sticking out in the air. He didn’t top that often so he forced his brain to slow down and pushed a finger into Spike’s hole. He was surprised to find it prepared and slick and he almost came at the thought that Spike had planned all of this.

He closed his eye and took a deep breath before gripping the base of his cock and slowly entering his lover. Spike growled with impatience but Xander just gritted his teeth to keep from losing control and pushed forward slowly.

Finally his balls were flush with Spike’s ass and he could feel his lover flexing around him. He leaned forward to kiss the back of Spike’s neck and suckled to leave a hickey before pulling himself nearly out of Spike then thrusting back in as hard as he could.

Spike howled and Xander found his hands digging into Spike’s hips as he grunted. He set a fast pace, knowing that he was too worked up to last long. Especially since Spike was pushing back just as hard and just as fast as he was going forward, the sound of their flesh slapping against each other sounding odd in the empty room.

“So good, so fucking hot, pet, it’s like you’re on fire inside me….fuck! Xander, do that again!”

He heard Spike’s litany finally and it made him nearly fall over the edge so he moved one hand from Spike’s hip to his cock, yanking and pulling in time with his thrusts. Spike tightened even more around him and he lost his rhythm, mindlessly snapping his hips forward, burying his cock in Spike’s cool body.

He felt his balls tighten and draw up and knew he wasn’t going to last much longer. He pulled hard on Spike’s cock while at the same time leaning forward and biting him on the shoulder, through the shirt he was still wearing.

Spike howled again and came, and the feel of his body tightening around Xander’s dick along with the feel of his come on Xander’s fingers tipped him over the edge. His vision went white as he came and he bit his lip to keep from screaming.

They stood there, Xander leaning on Spike and Spike leaning against the metal wall for a few moments before Xander pulled out of his lover with a hiss. Spike turned around and they kissed before trying to straighten themselves up.

“I can’t believe you planned that.” His own voice sounded harsh in his ears and Xander just knew that he was blushing at having bathroom sex.

“That I did, pet. That's the advantage to these clubs. British pubs may have better beer but it’s easier to find a club to fuck in here in the States.”

Xander left the stall to look in the mirror to make sure his pants were on right and that there were no noticeable…stains. He looked at the area of mirror that Spike would be in if he had a reflection.

“Are you…okay? I didn’t hurt you, did I?”

Arms wrapped around his middle and a warm voice purred in his ear. “You were more than okay, luv, you were fucking hot. Now come on, let’s get some more dancing in before I have to take you back to the hotel and put you to bed so you can go slayer hunting again.”

“Sounds good to me, Spike.” He turned his head and gave his lover a peck on the cheek. He’d always be grateful he’d stayed in England instead of going to Africa. If he had left, he wouldn’t have Spike.

Besides, what the hell was he going to do in a country where most places had no cable television and had never heard of pizza? He didn’t even know French, much less half of the languages spoken in the darker part of the continent.

No, he was much better off here, as long as he was with Spike.

Too Darn Hot Lyrics:

It's too darn hot
It's too darn hot
I'd like to sup with my baby tonight
Refill the cup with my baby tonight
I'd like to sup with my baby tonight
Refill the cup with my baby tonight
But I ain't up to my baby tonight
'Cause it's too darn hot
It's too darn hot
It's too darn hot

[ Bridge: ]
I'd like to cool with my baby tonight
And pitch the wool with my baby tonight
I'd like to cool with my baby tonight
And pitch the wool with my baby tonight
But brother you'll fight my baby tonight
'Cause it's too darn hot
According to the latest report
Ev'ry average man you know
Much prefers his lovely doggie to court
When the temperature is low
But when the thermometer goes 'way up
And the weather is sizzling hot

Mister pants
for romance
Is not
'Cause it's too, too
Too darn hot
It's too darn hot
It's too darn hot
It's too
darn hot..

[Instrumental solo]


Mister gob, for his squab
A marine, for his queen
A G.I, for his cutypie
Is not
'Cause it's too, too
Too darn hot
It's too darn hot
It's too
It's too darn hot!

The End

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