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Rating: NC17 for language and violence. |
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My Room
by
Amejisuto
Part One- In My Room
There’s a world where I can go and tell my secrets to
In my room, in my room
In this world I lock out all my worries and my fears
In my room, in my room
Xander lay on the bed in his room. The past week had been hell for him, almost literally. He was supposed to be on his Honeymoon right now, with the woman he loved more than anything else busy living happily ever after. That was how things were supposed to be. Sure he had been nervous, almost terrified, but he hadn’t planned on backing out.
That all changed That Day. It would always be capitalized. That Day. The day he was supposed to be married. The beginning of Mr. And Mrs. Alexander L. Harris.
Instead Anya had left him. D’Hoffryn and Halfrek and all of Anya’s old friends had been there, and D’Hoffryn brought Anya a special gift, her power center. She didn’t even think twice, and poof, back to being a vengeance demon, back to the land of giving males boils in uncomfortable places and other forms of torture.
This was the first night back in his apartment in a week. At first he stayed with his girls. Willow who seemed to think fourteen dozen cookies would make it better, and Tara who mainly tried to smile. Buffy, who was still so confused about what had happened and angry that someone had hurt her friend that there wasn’t a demon left in town that hadn’t been threatened or pummeled. And his Dawnie, who stayed with him every moment she wasn’t in school and watched videos and gave Willow a run for her money in babble.
After two days he couldn’t stand it anymore. It was too much, too uncomfortable. He was being smothered in kindness when all he wanted was to be alone. He left a note, asking the girls to clean out his apartment. Get rid of everything but his personal stuff. The bed where they had made love, the couch where they cuddled, everything. Get rid of it and he’d get something else later. He then snuck out of the house and made his way to where he knew he’d be understood.
Staying with Spike was just what he needed. Okay so he could have done with indoor plumbing, but Spike got it. He didn’t talk, didn’t tell Xander it would be okay, or that he’d get over it. They mostly sat, watched TV and got a little drunk.
Do my dreaming and my scheming
Lie awake and pray
Do my crying and my sighing
Laugh at yesterday
Now he was back at home. The girls had one-upped what he expected. While there wasn’t much furniture there was a big recliner in front of the television and a new bed frame that was as beautiful as it was old. The craftsman in Xander admired the work on the wood even as he flopped down.
Willow had dug up all his old possessions. His treasures that he had kept from his crappy childhood, and decorated the bedroom with them. Books, posters, models that he had made. It all helped.
Helped him remember a time before Anya. A time before he knew what was out there in the dark. Simple times. When his dreams weren’t broken.
Xander wasn’t stupid. He knew he’d move on. Still all he could think of was how much he missed the woman he loved. He’d give up everything in the room, in the apartment, if she would just come back. He hated being alone, but he’d face it and survive. Who knows, maybe there was other fish in the sea? But for now, he was home.
Now it’s dark and I’m alone
But I won’t be afraid
In my room, in my room
In my room, in my room
In my room, in my room
Part Two- Don't Talk
I can hear so much in your sighs
And I can see so much in your eyes
There are words we both could say
But don’t talk, put your head on my shoulder
Spike could feel the boy’s heartbeat go faster. He was getting ready to pull away and babble. Couldn’t blame him really, what had happened earlier had to be on the top ten list of things the vampire would have bet would never happen, even over Angel being in drag and singing songs from ‘Chicago’.
He’s been outside Buffy’s house, ready to go in, to show her just one more time how much he loved her, how she belonged to him. How dare she fuck with him, hell fuck him, and just walk away?
The Slayer always seemed to bring out the worst parts of his demon, possessiveness just being part of it. He was all set to walk in and claim what was his.
He’s started walking up to the house when a voice from over to the side stopped him.
“Going to try again Spike? You know she’ll never accept all of you. Hell she couldn’t make it with Angel and his soul, your demon just ain’t gonna cut it.” Xander was halfway to drunk, and sitting under the tree that Spike usually watched the house from.
“Yeah, well, never say die, don’t give up the cause and all that. What’s the harm of going in and trying? She home?” He couldn’t help the wistful tone in his voice. Fuck. Some master vampire.
Come close, close your eyes and be still
Don’t talk, take my hand and let me hear your heart beat
Being here with you feels so right
We could live forever tonight
Lets not think about tomorrow
And don’t talk put your head on my shoulder
“Yeah, but it ain’t gonna be any different Spike, we both know that. Come on and help me get drunk. It’s a sign of alcoholism if you drink alone.” The boy took a long drink from the bottle in his hand.
Spike sat down next to him, took a swig and then snorted at what he’d said. “You should know Pet, see how your half of the wedding acted.”
“Yep. I’m convinced that what started out as the sober half of my family got drunk because it was easier than dealing with them. If you can’t beat them, drink them under the table.” He took another drink.
“Why are you out here this time of night Pet?”
“Just watching a happily ever after. Tara and Willow got back together. That’s nice. They belong together; they want each other. No one wants me. Not my family, not Anya, the gang doesn’t really need me, nobody.” Spike could smell the melancholy coming off the boy. He was sober enough to think and be coherent, but working his way into a good drunk. Not good, he’d hate it when he got sober.
“Figure you’re right Pet, Buffy doesn’t want me. We are kinda alike in that respect. Sire doesn’t want me; bird I love doesn’t want me. It’s just us. The throwaways.” Spike gave up on Buffy at that very moment. Drink and pain had become a truth serum for the both of them, Xander to tell it and Spike to listen.
What else could he do? Go in and force himself on the woman he was supposed to love? Not his style.
So they ended up back at the crypt. Ended up talking at first, then doing more than talking. Ended up taking comfort in each other.
Come close, close your eyes and be still
Don’t talk, take my hand and listen to my heartbeat
Listen, listen, listen.
He knew for a fact the boy had never been with another man. Still they were mostly sober and Xander knew what he was getting into, they both did. Then something changed for Spike, something that hadn’t happened for him in all of his un-lifetime.
Someone was worried about his needs before his or her own. Xander gave as much as he took. With Angelus it had been about power more than love, Dru would sometimes participate, but half of the time she was always talking to her bloody stars, even in the middle of sex. Not often a bloke had to be jealous of a bloody doll either. Miss Edith’s predecessor had met an untimely end at his hands.
But for all his nervousness, Xander worked to make sure Spike was feeling as good as he was. If he had a soul he would have sworn the boy had touched it. Spike had never felt so taken care of, so loved.
He finally got what Xander’s special power was. His was the gift to make people feel better about themselves, to make people feel cared for and loved, if just for a moment. His loyalty, bravery, even his jokester personality was all tied up with this ability.
Now he could feel his lover’s internal babble start up. Sometimes the boy just had so much going on, only half of it got said, and even that was impressive.
“Shhh luv. You can panic when there’s light. Just sit tight for tonight, I’m not gonna bite you, can’t remember? One night luv, just one night of feeling like I matter.”
“You matter Spike.” With that he felt Xander’s head snuggle into the crook of his neck, and for once, he felt needed and important.
Spike wondered if it would last past the dawn.
Don’t talk, put your head on my shoulder
Don’t talk, close your eyes and be still
Don’t talk, put your head on my shoulder
Don’t talk, close your eyes and be still
Don’t talk, put your head on my shoulder
Part Three- Be Here in The Morning
It’s been such a long day so you better hurry home
Lit all my incense and I wish you were home
Only five minutes and you walk through my door
He had thought last night was just a fluke. One night of safety and he’d have to go back to his lonely apartment, his lonely life and try to move on.
He’d never thought about sleeping with any man, much less Spike, but they both just needed to touch, to know that they mattered to someone. He thought it was just a fluke starting out, something to do, and wasn’t that the alcohol talking, if just a bit.
But Spike was gentle at all the right times, and strong, and passionate, and gods looking back he doesn’t know how in the world Buffy could walk away from that intensity. The feeling like Spike’s complete attention was on you, it felt like he was made of the most precious stuff on earth, a treasure and Spike was going to watch it.
This morning he wasn’t even sure if Spike had felt the same. He thought he’d give the vampire time. Then everything started to fall apart.
Be here in the morning
Be here in the evening
Be here and make my life full
Be here in the morning
Be here in the evening
Be here and make my life
Buffy and crying and yelling. That damn geekly trio had bugged his house, Buffy’s and even Spike’s crypt. They had seen Spike and Xander making love last night. Willow must not have been too worried, after all she was upstairs with Tara, and Dawn either hadn’t seen or didn’t care.
He was betting on hadn’t seen, if she had she’d probably have a million questions, each one more embarrassing than the last.
They had finally gotten to where they were talking instead of yelling. Xander had torn into Buffy for the way she had used Spike and she had admitted that she had, she just needed to feel.
Then he heard the roar of the engine and looked in horror.
Stay here on the weekend and unplug the phone
(alright then)
No calls from korthoff, parks, or grillo
I only hope that you come here alone
Warren was there, yelling and pointing a gun. Xander stood frozen, the barrel looking like a shotgun’s rather than a revolver’s. He thought the roaring in his ears was blood at first, and then he realized that it was Spike in some old car with the windows painted out.
The car came crashing through the backyard, crushing roses and impatiens. Spike rammed the car into Warren, throwing him ten feet and leaving him broken. The gun went flying out of his hand; he never got off a shot.
Buffy was helping Warren, but Xander’s first thought was for Spike. Even over the car he could hear the blonde’s roar of pain as the chip punished him for saving their lives. It just wasn’t fair!
He got in the car as carefully as he could, trying to keep the killing rays of the sun out of the car. Spike did not look good, clutching at his head.
But what he said stopped Xander’s breath.
“Xan?” It wasn’t Buffy that he called for, that he had been worried for, it had been him!
“I’m here Spike, I’m okay, you got him, and no one got hurt.” Xander continued to reassure the vampire until he finally gave in to unconsciousness. He looked paler than normal, and had lines of pain etched into his face.
In the end they had got Willow and Tara to do one of those transporter spells, straight to Xander’s apartment. He insisted, and Buffy finally gave in. He’d fed the blonde blood, pig’s blood at first, and when that didn’t seem to help human, some from Willy’s and some from himself. Spike just had to get better.
He seemed to be in a healing sleep now, instead of that awful state of unconsciousness or coma, whatever it was. So hard to tell how he was with no breath and no heartbeat.
Be here in the morning
Be here in the evening
Be here and make my life full
Watching him, Xander came to a decision. He was going to take a chance with Spike, if Spike wanted it. Hey so he was male and a vampire. Xander would have freaked about that at some point in time today, but that was before Spike saved him and Buffy. Buffy didn’t think Warren had the balls to actually shoot, but Xander knew better, knew that Spike saved them. Who knows what could have happened if Spike wasn’t doing that “Scary stalker thing” that Buffy accused him of.
Besides, it made Xander feel wanted, to know that a vampire followed him into the daylight just to watch him. For a demon it was terribly romantic.
So Xander was going to take a chance. Ask Spike to move in, or something. He really doubted demons dated, at least like humans did. Maybe instead Spike would take him patrolling and kill all the fledges they ran into in his name or something. It wasn’t as if Spike was human, Xander couldn’t expect that.
Spike was stirring. It had been a long night and dawn was almost there. He groaned and Xander helped him up.
“Spike, man, that damn chip really fried you. You doing okay now?”
“Feel like I’ve taken the piss for the past week my head’s so bad.” There was a rueful tone in his voice, as if Spike knew exactly what being drunk for a week felt like. “Christ! Xan that guy he was going…”
“Yeah that was that Warren guy, that one who killed his girlfriend and tried to blame it on Buffy. You got him, he didn’t hurt anyone. That’s why your head hurts so bad, you hurt him. He’s in ICU, in a coma. We told the cops that he was in your car that he drove through and wrecked. I guess that even wrecks count with your chip, you’ve been out most of the afternoon and all night. You okay?”
Spike had let a huge sigh of relief when he heard no one was hurt, other than Warren that is. He leaned back into the couch, then he saw the time.
“Yeah, I’m better, I’ll do okay. I’d better head on home now.” He made as if to leave.
Xander couldn’t let that happen. He grabbed a wrist and tugged. “No Spike, stay.”
“You don’t mean that luv, sure there was last night but you’re…”
“No Spike. I’m not sure what happened last night, but it wasn’t just a fuck, okay? Not for me, and not for you. You were out there following me, I know. If you didn’t have feelings you wouldn’t have stopped Warren, you would have cheered him on. Stay. I don’t just mean tonight, or tomorrow. I mean I want you to stay.
A hand caressed his cheek and he couldn’t help but lean into it. Spike was so strong, and it felt so good.
“Guess I could stay, see where we end up. Might be fun.”
“Might be more than fun Spike, it might be love.”
Be here in the morning
Be here in the evening
Be here and make my life
Be here in the morning
Be here in the evening
Be here and make my life
The End
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